By Susan Temple, MA, BCC, ACEP
We all tend to have ideas about how others should behave. It’s worth taking a look at these expectations, because they can cause us disappointment and frustration at best and make us miserable at worst. Here’s an example from my life.
I have two stepdaughters whom I love dearly. I married their dad when they were four and six, so I was very involved in their lives as they were growing up. We were close.
As they grew up and moved out into the world, there were often long stretches of time when I didn’t hear from them very much. And, every time they moved to a new apartment, they didn’t give me their new address until I asked for it. I couldn’t understand this, as it was different from the way my family of origin did things. I believed that a kid who loved her mom would keep her informed. I felt hurt and sad and frustrated.
Brené Brown offers a very helpful question: “What is the story I am telling myself?” The story I was telling myself was that they didn’t care very much about me, and I wasn’t very important to them. But was that the truth?
I read Rhonda Britten’s book, Fearless Living, and I learned about expectations. It was my expectations that were making me miserable, not the behavior of my kids. I expected to hear from them regularly, and I expected to be informed of big life events. And they were just living their own lives, doing things the way that felt right to them. And, I had never talked to them about it, or asked if they would be willing to do things differently.
I basically had three options:
I could hold my expectation that they should do things differently, and feel all the negative feelings around that.
I could accept that this is just their way and refrain from thinking it means anything in particular, letting go of expectations and judgment around it.
I could talk to them and ask if they would be willing to make a change.
I eventually decided that there was really nothing wrong with the way they were doing things, it just wasn’t my way, and I let go of those expectations. It took time. I had to pay attention and notice when I was “in expectation” and make a choice to think differently about it.
I enjoy my relationships with them more since I did that, because I’m not expecting things to be different. I enjoy them as they are. I enjoy our communications when we have them, and then I let it be. I don’t ruminate about it being different. It’s great.
Think about your life and your expectations of others. Ask yourself, “Is this a realistic expectation, or am I expecting the other person to think and behave the way I would? What is the story I am telling myself?”
And, if you’d like to shift some of your expectations, tapping can help.